Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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