Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dear god my vagina.
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