I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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