I think I died a long time ago.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
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I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
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but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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