After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
