i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
