I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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