didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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