My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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