I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
