My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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