my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We need to get me chipped asap
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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