HIV tests are more positive than that guy
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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