There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
