just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
