Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
