I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
