I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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