Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
