at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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