We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.