My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.