why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.