Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.