im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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