im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
