My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
