i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
