____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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