FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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