Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
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I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
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I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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