I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?