to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
