dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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