apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
