the day after is always just damage control
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
