He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
