Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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