The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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