I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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