the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
