Ketchup is God's man juice
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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