none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
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She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
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Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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