I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
