Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
