just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I think I won the penis lottery.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
