I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
