giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
