thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
