so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
