Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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