I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
