I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
