it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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