Where did you get a picture of my penis
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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