so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
