cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
