Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
