Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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